This is my experience of watching this "film"

 

2nd October 2006-- Stuart Parry 

Never has a film I’ve sat down and watched infuriated me as much as this one has. Every fibre in my body is screaming in agony, but I’m doing it to myself. I know how bad AVP is, yet I’m still here watching it. I blame my 80’s childhood, when kids everywhere would get into a routine of watching Dungeons & Dragons, or the super camp He-Man, knowing full well we should be doing something worthwhile with our lives, like setting ants on fire with a magnifying glass or stealing VW logos off cars. So I’m used to putting myself through televisual torture

Aliens vs. Predator is a different creature altogether though. Watching this is a form of S&M that not even the most ardent of sadomasochists would even contemplate taking part in. I’ll admit it now, I’m somewhat of a Alien and Predator fanboy. So after spending my formative years watching and growing up with these films, and after reading so much of the cross over stuff, I can’t begin to tell you how traumatising yet instantly forgettable this film is.

Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t me sat on a really high horse criticising from afar, I’ve made films before, and that’s why I’m sticking with my writing. Making films is a difficult business to start with, let alone making a film that is drawn from two well-loved, and established, sources. There are plenty of pitfalls ranging from the actual story to the film company bosses.

You see making a crossover film is terribly hard, sure, the source material is all there, which should make it easier, but you’ve got to do something different to the other films and pay as much homage to the originals, without being too gratuitous. You’ve also got to attract new blood to the series, you’ve got to give them the history but break them in gently, no-one wants a history lesson when they’re watching a film, but you’ve got to leave enough in for parts of the story to make sense. This is where the next group of people will register their disgust about the slightest mistake across interweb message boards faster than you can say, “Die! You sexless freak!”

Those people are The Nerds - those folk who haven’t seen daylight since Christmas 1997, who have plenty of “friends” who not only have they never met in the flesh, but only know them via their online alias’ of Mr. Slippy Fist and Jizz Master Zero. This is perhaps the hardest group of people to please because they’re more likely to be the one’s who are going to fork out money to see this film regardless, but you have to tread carefully or risk their nerdish wrath. For they have far more power than the general public, they’re the ones who’ve kept the money pouring into companies pockets for almost 30 years now.

All fan-boys, even those like myself, who know real people, don’t get erections when talking to real life women and have something resembling a social life, are ones for studio bosses to fear. I’ve watched AvP twice now, and on the second time of watching it I had the sense of “maybe it’s going to be better the second time around?” I was clearly lying to myself – it was worse the second time around, I remembered the horror from the first time and added to it.

As you may have gathered, I’m just more than a little biased, and some might say just a little geeky myself about the whole thing, well yep, you’re right.

I think part of the problem of why AvP was so bad is simply because my own expectations far exceeded anything that could possibly be done. I’ve read crossover graphic novels, I’ve played the videogames, I’ve got the films on DVD and video and as a kid I even had the action figures.

Another part of the problem was that the film was made by an AvP fan, by fan I mean someone who’s probably not even watched the films, maybe just the trailers to get a general gist of what’s going on. Honestly, watch Alien, Aliens & Alien3 then both Predator films a few times, then you’ll pick up quite a lot of the alien/predator life cycle, it’s hardly rocket science.

My suspension of disbelief was shattered right away. We all know Aliens don’t really exist, despite what my nightmares as a 10 year old told me, yet when we watch the films we believe the events on screen, yet stuff in AvP was factually wrong! As in it could never have happened… EVER! Like the whole premise that the Predator species came to Earth and built a pyramid on Antarctica, using the design influence of three ancient societies. Yes, at one point in the Antarctic’s past it was covered in trees and was habitable, so that’s believable, the only problem is that humans as a species hadn’t even evolved by then!

In Predator 1, that Spanish speaking woman mentions that attacks only happen in the hottest of summers and Predator 2 was in a super-hot LA. Call me crazy ‘cause I’m not entirely sure on this, I have heard Antarctica is nice this time of year, but I don’t think it’s hardly the warmest place on Earth.

Why exactly is it so bad though? Being honest, it’s like a complete novice has made these films. There’s plenty of rich history from the source films, you don’t even need to take notes or read anything extra, just watch the bloody films! There are basic codes and conventions that run through both franchises, which are easy to pick up.

In all Alien & Predator films, and in fact all decent films in general, is that we’re introduced to the characters. We get a sense of what they’re like from their interactions with others and what they’re like on they’re own. We develop an affinity for them, we may not like them, like Ash from Alien, but that’s the point! We’re supposed feel something for these people on screen, Hudson from Aliens, I was distraught that he died, when I watched it the first time, around 10 years of age.

AvP’s characters are shown to us for mere minutes of screentime, we barely have enough time to find out their names, let alone anything about them. The pace of the film is phenomenal, that’s not a good thing though, it’s like “this is a film about Aliens vs Predators, let’s fuck the people and just get right to the fighting!” – It’s the film equivalent of masturbation, it’s fun while it lasts but you can’t help feel that tinge of disappointment afterwards.

One thing that pissed me off greatly, one single act that went against everything the aliens stood for – they created an individual. For me the only individual should be the Queen, she’s the only one allowed to be different because, like bees, the creatures under her all work for the good of the Hive. In creating the Grid Alien it was tantamount to blasphemy! That’s the key strength to the fear of the aliens, that they seem like a never ending wave of pure instinctual killing, that no matter how many die there are always gonna be more after you.

Another thing that got under my skin was the way the film was toned down, everyone remembers the chestburster scene from Alien, yet I can’t remember any from a film I sat down and watched mere moments ago! It’s probably to appeal to a larger audience, as well as attract a new audience of teenagers who like special effects and flashy lights.

I had a problem with the straighter than straight linear plot, it was 1) introduce characters, 2) get them to the location, 3) make them appear arrogant and stupidly reliant on technology, 4) kill a couple off, 5) introduce Alien & Predator on screen together, 6) kill more people off, 7) kill everything else off, 8) big fight scene, 9) the end. It’s like sitting down to do a 5000 piece jigsaw puzzle and 4999 pieces are already in place, leaving you to finish it off, just leaves you feeling empty and pointless.