reminiscing about the good old days of videogame violence 

 

31st May 2004 - Stuart Parry 

 

Ahh, the golden age of video games, back in the days when mobile phones were the same size as houses, penny sweets actually cost a penny and when summer holidays seemed like they’d never end – that’s right kids, it’s back to the 80’s!

Thankfully I’m only going into one aspect of the 80’s, not the terrible music, New Order aside, or the shitty “fashion” but the oh so popular world of country life – well country life in your living room. A time when you could safely wear your brown Y-fronts (to hide the stains) and shellsuits without getting laughed at, the 80’s was the start of home entertainment, aside from the stuff that makes you go blind – Yes, it’s Duckhunt!

People buying their first NES got a big pile of shite but at the same time got something quite cool and were treated to a gaming wonder. Not only did you get Mario but you also got Duckhunt on the same cartridge and a lightgun! Which at the time was an item of mystical proportions outside the arcades. This would lead to many a story around the lunch table at school leaving your mates left to clutch their half-eaten cheese & pickle sandwich in awe, as you told them great lies about how great you were and how you’d shit on Robocop, the glorified Soda Stream, if you were ever in a shooting match with him!

A very simple game - the clue’s in the name. You see a duck on the screen, the point the gun at the screen and fire away. Hardly rocket-science. It had four play modes - 1 duck, 2 ducks, clay pigeon shooting and 2 player – this is when your mate is the duck and tries to avoid being shot by you, though it didn’t stop him getting beaten up by the oh so sturdy light gun, did it? That aside this game has the most evil, annoying, “god, why won’t he die?!” character in any game, and it’s – the Dog!

People who’ve played this game know that he gets on his doggy knees and wanks you off when you manage to shoot all the ducks on screen, well not literally, obviously. Liquids and electronics don’t mix, but when you miss, and oh yes, you will, he pops up in the middle of the screen just laughing at you in his monophonic way, making you feel like the most worthless child alive!

A great, simple game that’s got the most evil, un-Godly digitised foe in existence. You always know he’s got the upper hand, even when you turn the machine off you can still hear his laughter on the wind.