my thoughts on my faith

February 22nd, 2007 - Stuart Parry 

I feel like I've gotten back into my creative train of thought again. I'm feeling stagnant in my life at the minute, the website is currently dying a slow death due to my apathy. It cannot go on any longer.

I went away on a Christian weekend a couple of weeks ago, and you may laugh, I know for a fact some of you will think "what a loser!" but fuck.you. This is something I wanted to do, and I'm glad I did it. The views of self-important, narrow minded individuals do not concern me. This is my thing, this is something I felt I had to do, and it's not affecting you, so why do you care about the fact I believe in God or not?

I don't call myself Christian since I don't believe in Christ, as you can imagine, that's a slight stumbling block. I believe in God, which is a complete turnaround to how I used to be.

Well I'm not sure if I believe or not. I'm leaning rather heavily towards "he exists", but I still have doubt. I'm like a person who wants to jump out of a plane and parachute to safety, but it's that initial first step I need to take, which is the most important. I'm still sceptical. I'm still trying to explain away the mystical with science, but I'm falling short. I've seen and experienced stuff that I can't explain, and while I realise that's not exactly the most definite proof for the existance of God, it's all I've got at the minute.

My views haven't changed though, I've not seen or heard anything over the Happening weekend that will convince me that Jesus was the actual son of God. I don't deny he existed, I don't deny his importance but to go to as far and say he was God but in flesh and blood terms, is still a little too much for me to believe at the minute. My suspension of disbelief is well and truly broken by that. It just doesn't seem plausible in my eyes. I am aware of the arguement "well he was God, he can do anything" - such a get out clause, "my dad's bigger than yours" etc. etc.

I think it helped me the most by being around people who were massively open with their faith, I'm not used to experiencing that, since most people who are Christian tend to get mocked, so tend to keep it to themselves. While it doesn't feel as though anything spiritually changed in me over the weekend, I think subtley I have. I've become less reserved about what I say to people, I've become more forward, since there really isn't any point in keeping feelings to yourself. I'm just starting to feel different in myself.

I still don't know what I believe. I believe that this can't just be it, that in the infinite complexities of universal systems, that this world and all that it is, cannot be everything. Whether there's a God out there, I don't know, I'd rather believe than not. All the things I've experienced over the past, well nearly two years, has led to me think this way. I don't know what I'm looking for, it feels like I'm being led on a path, and I don't know where to.

 

I am looking for answers, I know that much, but I know not the questions I'm asking. I've heard and read stuff that just clicks, that just feels right in my head and my heart. So I don't know where this path takes me, but I'll know when I get there. I think I'm just curious about religion. I have a lifelong interest in the Egyptian dieties, even feeling comfortable, in soon having, a small statue to Bast, the Egyptian cat Goddess and also protector of the home. I don't think one religion can provide all the answers, it feels like I'm exploring different faiths, even paganism and Wicca, in my quest to find answers.