26th April, 2007 - Stuart Parry 

Its 3am, I'm bored, I can't sleep and I'm ill. Yes, I'm ill, and don't you fucking dare use "what's the noise I hear? It sounds like it's coming from the world's smallest violin", coz I swear to god – I hope you die.

I've decided to write a blog coz I've not written one for ages, and after my beardy ramblings last night, I want to do the same tonight, albeit slightly more permanent.

So I'm ill, for the first time in seventeen years I've been to the doctors. Seventeen years, folks, during that time I've been a fine picture of health – apart from those years where I was a fat cunt and I ate nothing but cholesterol. I have a chest infection, it's gotten that bad that I've taken time off work, it's going on for 10 days off work now, and you know what I've done in that time? I could've used it creatively, I could've created a new literally masterpiece, or found a way to save the world using nothing but sporks and the eyes of squirrels, or even built a shed but no – I've done nothing. I've only left the house not even a handful of times, it's only a matter of time before I start sitting by the window and watching my neighbours through the net curtains.

Well I say I've done nothing, I have learnt an awful lot about beards, and I got my hair cut last Tuesday, so that's a bonus because I can actually see again. All the better to watch my neighbours with.

I can't go out, coz I'm lethargic, the idea of going out bores me, even if I did go out, I can't drink coz I'm on antibiotics. I can't even laugh! Almost two weeks without laughing properly, two weeks!! I laugh, I cough, I cough, I die. Ok, well not that serious, but it feels that way.

God, I'm leading a charmed life right now…

I've got another week off work, I've a doctor's note and everything, I'm not looking forward to it. It reminds me of the time when I was a jobless loser and that's not a good feeling. I want my life back, I want to work, I want to earn money and I want to go out again! The worst thing is that I don't actually feel ill. If you've got a cold or the flu, you know you're ill, you just know, but with this, I feel fine! To look at me you wouldn't know there was anything wrong, but no! I can't go near the cold, I can't lift anything heavy, I can't be near smoke, I can't even walk quickly because they all fuck up my breathing and on top of that, I've got an god-awful chest pain that feels like I've been stabbed.

This is a "ooh, let's all pity Stu" entry, and yes, let's all pity Stu because I'm ill, and you fuckers are all nice and healthy, with your lungs and things. Well let's just hope what I've got is contagious, and you'll all get it. Which will be hard since I'm slowly becoming a recluse. Hmm…