Some of the people I know do the most wonderfully stupid thing - they ask me for relationship advice.

I never get why people ask for my opinion on their lovelife. It's painfully obvious that mine is incredibly fucked up, actually, it really isn't - I just like to pretend it is to make that part of my life more interesting, and stupidly, more difficult for myself. Thankfully I've realised that I'm gonna think about what's good for me, rather than what's good for my penis.

But I'm single, I have been for around *counts on fingers* around 8 months now. Yes, I've had encounters with a few women between then and now, so my sex life isn't a problem, but my love life? That's a completely different animal, to be honest, it should be shot like a lame horse.

But what makes me the sage that makes people crave the need to come and ask me, "does that boy like me?" - "course he likes you!" - "but why? how can you tell" - "start with your vagina and work backwards from there"

It just surprises me, what, with my past relationships having been on show to the world. I'm quite open about my feelings and thoughts at the time, so people know how shit I am with relationships, and flirting - oh god, how shit I am at reading signals when they're directed towards myself.Yet I'm still asked advice regardless?

Despite my title as a manwhore, I'm awful at picking up women - mainly because I don't go around trying to be all macho and "grr, look at me. I've got muscles." I never use chat-up lines, because I couldn't even say them with a straight face, let alone say one to another human being, without wearing some kind of disguise at least - never mind saying it to someone I actually respect and wanted to sleep with.

I've actually been told I do the 'wrong thing', and this abomination is actually wanting to get to know a woman before making a move on her, in the words of Scrubs, "i'm like a 24 hour store, I never close"

And besides, I look like someone that's either slept in a bin, or woken up from a coma thinking it's the 1970's again, with my beard, long hair and oh so slightly hairy chest. I'm hardly the kinda bloke who's the obvious choice for the women who go to nightclubs and such. That said, I don't go for those kinda women.

I've gotta say, I like the patient approach, take the time to get to know someone, it's more fun. It's less hassle, for a start. For one, I'm really shit with names, so I can hardly go round asking them all to wear name badges just in case I'd forgotten. It happens all the time, people I've known and been good friends with for years I just know as "that fat arsed, midget fingered berk".

So yeh, I'm hardly the best candidate for giving out relationship advice, or really any advice at all, yet people still ask me. I might treat them the same way I deal with people who stop and ask me for directions, just say 'erm' then look thoughtful, then give them directions knowing full well I have absolutely no idea where I'm sending them.